READ OTHERS WRITINGS OR
A girl says to the salesman, "I'm not sure if I should
buy a sweatshirt or a windbreaker."
He says, "Well, that depends.
Are you going sweat, or
are you gonna break wind?"
Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a
free trip around the sun every year.
How long a minute is depends on what side of the
bathroom door you're on.
Birthdays are good for you; the more you have,
the longer you live.
Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.
Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier
than the people who have to wait for them?
Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside of us.
If Walmart is lowering prices every day,
how come nothing is free yet?
You may be only one person in the world,
but you may also be the world to one person.
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened.
We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp,
some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors....
but they all exist very nicely in the same box.
A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
Two robins were sitting in a tree.
"I'm really hungry," said the first one.
"Lets fly down and find some lunch.
"They flew down to the ground and found a nice
plot of newly plowed ground that was full of worms.
They ate and ate and ate till they could eat no more.
"I'm so full, I don't think I can fly back up into the tree,"
said the first one.
"Let's just lay back here and bask in the warm sun,"
said the second.
"O K," said the first.
So they plopped down, basking in the sun.
No sooner than they had fallen asleep,
when a big fat tomcat up and gobbled them up.
As the cat sat washing his face after his meal,
he thought . . .
"I just love BASKIN ROBINS
Sent to me by Dannette
Leaving Memphis, I decided to stop at one of those rest
areas on the side of the interstate.
I go into the washroom.
The first stall is taken, so I go into the second stall.
I had just sat down when I hear a voice
from the other stall............
"Hi there, how is it going?"
Okay, I am not the type to strike up
conversations with strangers in washrooms on the side of the road.
I didn't know what to say, so finally I say:
Then the voice says:
"So, what are you doing?"
I am starting to find this a bit weird, but I say: -
"Well, I'm going back east"...............
Then I hear the person, all flustered, say:
"Look, I'll call you back--every time I ask you a question
this idiot in the next stall keeps answering me!!!"
A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit
jump out across the middle of the road.
He swerves to avoid hitting it but unfortunately,
the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.
The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover,
pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead.
The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.
A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway
sees the man crying on the side
of the road and pulls over.
She steps out of the car and asks the man what's
wrong. "I feel terrible," he explains.
"I accidentally hit this rabbit and
killed it." The blonde says, "Don't worry."
She runs to her car and pulls out a
spray can. She walks over to the limp,
dead rabbit, bends down and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.
The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them
and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit
stops, turns around and
waves again. He hops down the road another 10 feet,
turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves
and repeats this again and again and again
until he hops out of sight. The man is astonished.
He runs over to the woman and demands,
"What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"
The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.
It says, "Hair Spray
- Restores life to dead hair, adds permanent wave."
A guy that was paid very well to speak at a local
business dinner rushed out the door so fast he forgot
to grab his false teeth. Just before it was time
for him to be announced, he turned to one of his table guests sadly and said to him -
"I can't do this, I forgot my false teeth".
The guy looks at him and says -
"sure you can - try these",
and reaches into his jacket and pulls out a
pair of false teeth.
The speaker tried them. "Too loose," he said.
The man reaches again then says, "I have another
pair... try these."
The speaker tried them and responded, "Too tight."
"Ok, the guys says, I have one more pair... try these."
The speaker said, "They fit perfectly!"
With that, he gave a thundering speech. After the
speech, he went back to his table to eat his dinner
and to thank the new-found friend that just saved him.
"I want to thank you for coming to my aid, said the dinner speaker...
Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist."
replies the guy...
I'm no Dentist...
I'm the local undertaker!"
A doctor at an insane asylum, decided to take his patients to a baseball game.
For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands.
When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well.
As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up nuts!" The inmates complied by standing up.
After the anthem he yelled, "Down Nuts!" They all sat.
After a home run he yelled, "Cheer nuts!" They all broke into applause and cheers.
Thinking things were going very well, he decided to go get a beer and a hot dog,
leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned there was a riot in progress.
Finding his assistant, he asked what happened.
The assistant replied,
"Well...everything was fine until some guy walked by and yelled,
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