READ OTHERS WRITINGS OR
Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to leave and they're getting a little impatient. But the airport staff has assured them that the pilots will be there soon and the flight can take off immediately there after. The entrance opens and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilots'uniforms -- both are wearing dark glasses. One is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a white, tipped cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin as the men enter the cockpit. The door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing around, nervously, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and people at the windows realize that they're headed straight for the edge of the water at the end of the airport's property. It begins to look as though the plane will never take off-but will plow into the water!! Panicked screams fill the cabin, but at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly. Soon they have all retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands. Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says, 'You know, Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream too late, and we're all gonna die!'
Survivor Virus - Deletes your files one by one over 13 weeks until only the most annoying one remains.
Dan Quayle Virus - Destroys all the files stored on your Etch-a-Sketch.
Tiger Woods Virus - Beats the holy crap out of you in every computer game you play.
Britney Spears Virus - Your partitions mysteriously quadruple in size overnight.
Firestone Virus - Leaves chunks of its code all over the information highway.
IHATEYOU Virus - Emits shrill scream from speakers when you refuse to buy the new computer game that "all the other computers at school already have."
George W. Virus - Causes your CPU to keep executing and executing and executing...
Boulder Police Virus - Can't even *find* your computer.
Virus Alert You have just received the "Redneck Computer Virus!" As we don't have any programming experience, this Virus works on the honor system. Please delete all the files on your hard drive, and manually forward this Virus to everyone on your mailing list. Thanks for your cooperation. Bubba
A little old lady went to the grocery store and put the most expensive cat food in her basket. She then went to the check out counter where she told the check out girl. 'Nothing but the best for my little kitten.' The girl at the cash register said, 'I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat.. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat.' The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store. One Cat
They sold her the cat food.
The next day, the old lady went to the store and bought 12 of the most expensive dog cookies one for each day of Christmas. The cashier this time demanded proof that she now had a dog, claiming that old people sometimes eat dog food. Frustrated she went home, came back and brought in her dog. One Doggie
She was then given the dog cookies.
The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the in there.' The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would bite her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and pulled it out and told the little old lady, 'That smells like ???'. The little old lady grinned from ear to ear, 'Now, my dear, can I please buy three rolls of toilet paper?'
At one Army base, the annual trip to the rifle range had been canceled for the second year in a row, but the semiannual physical fitness test was still on as planned. One soldier mused, 'Does it bother anyone else that the Army doesn't seem to care how well we can shoot, but they are extremely interested in how fast we can run?'
On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses. After they filled out the forms, the registration clerk inquired, 'What ever possessed you to study Russian?'
The couple said proudly, 'We just adopted a Russian baby, and in a year or so he'll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him.'
Some years ago a man was visiting the country of Transylvania and had the misfortune of being captured by vampires.
He was rendered unconscious by a blow on the head then carried to a old cliff side castle.
On regaining consciousness he found himself bound to a post in the center of what had been a large banquet hall.
Milling around him were dozens of vampires, ghouls, werewolves and assorted hideous and obviously bloodthirsty beings.
All during the night these unholy beings howled, screeched, and screamed. Endlessly each evil creature took turns draining a goblet of his lifeblood and drank it as he was forced to look on.
Although frightened and weak from loss of blood the man bravely made the most of it and tried to keep his composure.
As the sun was beginning to come up things quieted down somewhat. Demons lay sprawled around the room sleeping off an all night blood guzzling orgy.
One vampire giggling at the tied up man spoke to him with a deep Transylvanian accent, 'Vell, my unfortunate friend... he he he... 'ow you like ze celebration by now?'
'Well', gasped the man weakly, 'I do have one complaint.'
'Complaint? Vell out wis it. Vhat iss wrong? Vy you no happy?"
"I admit it was a great and lively party, everyone seemed to have a good time. But...well...I'M TIRED OF BEING STUCK FOR THE DRINKS!!"
One Sunday morning William burst into the living room and said, 'Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan.
After dinner, William's dad took him aside. 'Son, I have to talk with you. Your mother and I have been married 30 years.. She's a wonderful wife but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half- sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her.'
William was heart-broken. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, 'Dianne said yes! We're getting married in June.'
Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. 'Dianne is your half-sister too, William. I'm awfully sorry about this.'
William was furious! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news.
'Dad has done so much harm.. I guess I'm never going to get married,' he complained. 'Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half-sister.'
His mother just shook her head. 'Don't pay any attention to what he says, dear. He's not really your father!'
An office manager had money problems and had to fire an employee, either Jack or Jill... He thought he'd fire the employee who came late to work.
The next morning, both employees came to work very early.
So the manager thought he would fire the first one who took a coffee break. Unfortunately, neither employee took a coffee break.
Then the manager decided to see who took the longest lunch break - strangely, neither Jack nor Jill took a lunch break that day, they both ate at their desk. Then the manager thought he'd wait to see who would leave work the earliest, but both employees stayed after closing.
Jill finally went to the coat rack & the manager went up to her & said, 'Jill, I have a terrible problem. I don't know whether to lay you or Jack off.'
Jill said, 'Well, you'd better jack off, because I'm late for my bus.'
Finally, a police car pulled up. The cop got out of his car and walked around to the truck driver, put his hands on his hips and said, 'Got stuck, huh?'
The truck driver said, 'No officer,... I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas!'
The surgery was a resounding success, and the woman went home happy.
A few months later, the woman returned in a great state of agitation. She pointed to her face and said, 'Just look at these bags under my eyes! Where the hell did they come from?' The surgeon looked at her closely and said, 'Those aren't BAGS under your eyes. Those are your TITS. And if you keep messing around with that screw,... pretty soon you'll have a goatee!'
The other day I was on my way home from work when the most remarkable thing happened. Traffic was heavy as usual, and as I sat there at a red light, out of nowhere a bird slammed into my windshield. If that wasn't bad enough, the poor creature got its wing stuck under the windshield wiper. Just then the light turned green and there I was with a bird stuck on my windshield. Without any other apparent options, turning on the windshield wipers seemed the only thing to do. It actually worked. On the upswing, the bird flew off, and here is the crazy thing... it slammed right onto the windshield of the car behind me. No, it didn't get caught under the windshield wipers of that vehicle, but the car behind me was a police car. Of course, knowing my luck, immediately the lights went on and I was forced to pull over. The officer walked up and told me he saw what had happened at the light. Trying to plead my case fell on deaf ears. He simply stated: I am going to have to write you up for flipping me the bird.
A woman goes to the doctor's and says, 'Doctor, Doctor, you have to help me. Every time I go to the bathroom, DIMES come out!'
The doctor tells her to relax, go home, rest with her feet up and come back in a week.
A week later the woman returns and says, 'Doctor, Doctor, it's gotten worse!
Every time I go to the bathroom, QUARTERS come out!! What's wrong with me?'
Again the doctor tells her to relax, go home, rest with her feet up and come back in a week.
Another week passes and the woman returns and yells, 'Doctor, Doctor, I'm still not getting better! Every time I go to the bathroom, HALF-DOLLARS come out! WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH ME?!!'
The doctor says, 'Relax, Relax,... you're just going through your change!'
A businessman and his secretary, overcome by passion, go to his house for an early afternoon 'quickie.'
'Don't worry,' he purrs. 'My wife is out of town on a business trip, so there's no risk.' As one thing leads to another, the woman reaches into her purse and suddenly gasps, 'We have to stop, I forgot to bring birth control!' 'No problem,' her lover replies. 'I'll get my wife's diaphragm.'
After a few minutes of searching, he returns to the bedroom in a fury. 'That witch!' he exclaims. 'She took it with her! I always knew she didn't trust me!'
Fred's convertible glided to a halt on the edge of a lonely country road. 'I suppose,' said his pretty but reluctant date, 'you're going to pull the old 'out of gas' routine.'
'No,' said Fred, 'I'm going to pull the 'here after' routine.'
'The 'here after' routine-----what's that?', she wanted to know.
'If you're not here after what I'm here after, you'll be here after I'm gone!'
A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks. 'I have just the thing,' says the barber, as he takes a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer.
'Just place this between your cheek and gum.' The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.
After a few strokes the client asks, 'And what if I swallow it?'
'No problem,' says the barber. 'Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does!'
FROM THE WHITE HOUSE ...
Democrats announced today they are changing their emblem from a donkey to a condom because it more clearly reflects their party's political stance.
A condom stands up to inflation, halts production, discourages cooperation, protects a bunch of dicks and gives a sense of security while screwing others.
So one day,
Gramma sent her grandson Johnny down to the water hole
to get some water for cooking dinner.
As he was dipping the bucket in,
he saw two big eyes looking back at him.
He dropped the bucket and hightailed it for Gramma's kitchen.
"Now, where's my bucket and my water?" Gramma asked him.
"I can't get any water from that water hole, Gramma" cried Johnny.
"There's a BIG ol' alligator down there!"
"Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny.
He's been there for a few years now, and he's never hurt no one.
Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!"
"Well, Gramma," replied Johnny,
"if he's as scared of me as I am of him,
then that water ain't fit to drink!"
**SIGN-UP BY APRIL 25TH. NOTE:
DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND
DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS,
EACH COURSE WILL ACCEPT A MAXIMUM OF 8
TOPIC 1 - HOW TO FILL UP THE ICE CUBE TRAYS.
STEP BY STEP, WITH SLIDE PRESENTATION.
TOPIC 2 - THE TOILET PAPER ROLL:
DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
ROUND TABLE DISCUSSION.
TOPIC 3 - FUNDAMENTAL DIFFERENCES BETWEEN THE
LAUNDRY HAMPER AND THE FLOOR.
PICTURES AND EXPLANATORY GRAPHICS.
TOPIC 4 - THE AFTER-DINNER DISHES AND SILVERWARE:
CAN THEY LEVITATE AND FLY INTO THE KITCHEN SINK?
EXAMPLES ON VIDEO.
TOPIC 5 - LOSS OF IDENTITY:
LOSING THE REMOTE TO YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER.
HELPLINE SUPPORT AND SUPPORT GROUPS.
TOPIC 6 - LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS,
STARTING WITH LOOKING IN THE RIGHT PLACE
INSTEAD OF TURNING THE HOUSE UPSIDE DOWN WHILE SCREAMING.
TOPIC 7 - HEALTH WATCH:
BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH.
GRAPHICS AND AUDIO TAPE.
TOPIC 8 - REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST.
REAL LIFE TESTIMONIALS.
TOPIC 9 - IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
TOPIC 10 - LEARNING TO LIVE:
BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MOTHER AND WIFE.
ONLINE CLASS AND ROLE PLAYING.
TOPIC 11 - HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION.
RELAXATION EXERCISES, MEDITATION AND BREATHING TECHNIQUES.
TOPIC 12 - HOW TO FIGHT CEREBRAL ATROPHY: REMEMBERING BIRTHDAYS,
ANNIVERSARIES, OTHER IMPORTANT DATES AND CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE.
CEREBRAL SHOCK THERAPY SESSIONS AND FULL LOBOTOMIES OFFERED.
**UPON COMPLETION OF THE COURSE DIPLOMAS WILL BE ISSUED TO THE SURVIVORS**
After twenty years of shaving himself every
a man in a small Southern town decided he had enough.
He told his wife that he intended to let the local barber shave him each day.
He put on his hat and coat and went to the barber shop,
which was owned by the pastor of the town's Baptist Church.
The barber's wife, Grace, was working that day,
so she performed the task.
Grace shaved him and sprayed him with lilac water,
and said, "That will be $20."
The man thought the price was a bit high,
but he paid the bill and went to work.
The next morning the man looked in the mirror,
and his face was as smooth as it had been when he left the barber shop the day before.
Not bad, he thought.
At least I don't need to get a shave every day.
The next morning, the man's face was still smooth.
Two weeks later,
the man was still unable to find any trace of whiskers on his face.
It was more than he could take,
so he returned to the barber shop.
"I thought $20 was high for a shave",
He told the barber's wife,
"but you must have done a great job.
It's been two weeks and my whiskers still haven't started growing back."
The expression on her face didn't even change,
expecting his comment.
She responded, "You were shaved by Grace. Once shaved, always shaved."
And just a thought for all you women out there:
MENtal illness, MENstrual cramps, MENtal breakdown, MENopause.
Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men?
And when we have real problems,
P.S. Don't forget the "GUY"necologist!"
Thistleburr's note: Also don't forget HEll....lol
If you've got melted chocolate all over your
you're eating it too slowly.
Chocolate covered raisins, cherries,
orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit,
so eat as many as you want.
How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car.
Eat it in the parking lot.
Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal.
It'll take the edge off your appetite, and you'll eat less.
If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge.
Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.
Eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate.
That way you have a balanced diet.
Chocolate sings. Beautifully.
Chocolate has many preservatives.
Preservatives make you look younger.
Therefore, you need to eat more chocolate.
Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today.
That way, at least you'll get one thing done.
A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily
intake of calories in one place.
Now, isn't that handy?
If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer.
But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?
If not for chocolate,
there would be no need for control top pantyhose.
An entire garment industry would be devastated.
You can't let that happen, can you?
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from
evening of church services when she was startled by an intruder.
She caught the man in the act of
robbing her home of its valuables and yelled,
"Stop! Acts 2:38!"
(Repent and be baptized, in the
name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.)
The burglar stopped in his tracks.
The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.
As the officer cuffed the man to take him in,
he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there?
All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you."
"Scripture?" replied the burglar.
"She said she had an ax and two 38's!"
When our second child was on the way, my wife and I
a pre-birth class aimed at couples who had
already had at least one child.
The instructor raised the issue
of breaking the news to the older child. It went like this:
"Some parents," she said, "tell the older child,
'We love you so much we decided to bring
another child into this family.'
But think about that. Ladies, what if your husband
came home one day and said,
'Honey, I love you so much I
decided to bring home another wife.'"
One of the women spoke up immediately.
"Does she cook?"
While visiting a friend who was in the hospital,
I noticed several pretty nurses,
each of whom was wearing a pin designed to look like an apple.
I asked one nurse what the pin signified.
"Nothing," she said with a smile.
"It's just to keep the doctors away."
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