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On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it. 'Be still, my heart,' thought the doctor, 'my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!' Then the child spoke into the instrument, 'Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?'
2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton
Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: 1 bananosecond
Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram
Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon
1000 aches: 1 kilohurtz
Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower
1 million microphones: 1 megaphone
2000 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds (work on it....)
52 cards: 1 decacards
3 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital: 1 I.V. League
-Love is the only thing known to multiply by division.
A man walks into a pharmacy and asks for a pack of condoms. As soon as he has paid for them, he starts laughing and walks out. The next day, the same performance, with the man walking out laughing, fit to bust. The pharmacist thinks this odd and asks his assistant, if the man returns, to follow him.
Sure enough, he comes into the store the next day, repeating his actions once more. The assistant duly follows. Half an hour later, he returns.
'So did you follow him?'
'Yes, I did.'
'And...where did he go?'
'Over to your house...'
Definitions By Gender...
Female: Any part under a car's hood.
Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing football without a helmet.
Female: The sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male: Leaving a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.
Female: The body part that 'looks bigger' no matter what is worn.
Male: What you slap when someone scores a touchdown, home run, or goal.
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male: Trying not to pick up other women while out with girlfriend.
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Anything that can be done while drinking.
A man was eating in a fancy restaurant, and there was a gorgeous blond eating at the next table. He had been checking her out all night, but lacked the nerve to go talk to her.
Suddenly she sneezed and her glass eye went flying out of her socket towards the man. With his quick reflexes, he caught it in mid-air.
'Oh my god, I am sooooo sorry,' the woman said as she popped her eye back in the socket. 'Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you.'
They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together and after wards the woman invited him back to her place for a drink.
They went back to her house, and after a bit she brought him into the bedroom and began undressing him. The couple had wild, passionate sex many times during the night.
The next morning when he awoke, she had already gotten up and brought him breakfast in bed. The guy was amazed.
'You know, you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'
'No, she replied....
You just happened to catch my eye!'
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either, Just Leave me alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So, if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
5. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
8. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
9. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments. 10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.
13. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
14. Don't squat with your spurs on.
15. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
16. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
17. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
18. The quickest way to double your money is
19. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
20. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
21. Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
22. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
23. Generally speaking, you aren't learning > much when your mouth is moving.
23. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
24. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
25. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
One day, two old men from a retirement home were sitting on the front porch retirement home. One man says to the other, 'Ya know, Bill, if you think about it, we are not that old. I mean, my memory is still very good.' As the man said this, he knocked on the wood chair beside him.'Actually, sharp as ever.' After a couple minutes of silence, the first man started to talk again, 'So, is anyone going to get the door or do I have to do it?'
The Pirates Hook
One day a Pirate and a bartender were talking to each
other in a bar. The Bartender asked the pirate 'Where
did ya get that peg leg from?' The Pirate responded '
We were sailing the seas when a big ol' shark came up
to me while I was swimmin' and bit off me leg.' Later
the Bartender asked 'Where did you get that hook then?'
The pirate responded 'Well, me crew and I were in a
battle and it got cut through the bone.' The bartender
then asked ' Then where did ya get the eye patch from?'
The pirate said ' In a harbor I looked at a gull flying
over head and it took a dump right in me eye.' The
bartender was puzzled and asked the pirate, 'How would
that make you get an eye patch?' The pirate responded,
'First day with the hook.'
An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when ,all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes. 'Well, now,' says the old lady, 'I guess I would like to be really rich.' POOF her rocking chair turns to solid gold. 'And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess. 'POOF! She turns into a beautiful young woman. 'Your third wish?' asked the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them. 'Ooh can you change him into a handsome prince and make him my husband?' she asks. POOF! There before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone she could possibly imagine. She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear, 'Bet you're sorry you had me neutered.'
When the police arrived they directed them to the closet and showed them the skeleton fully clothed and standing upright. They said 'this could be Jimmy Hoffa or somebody really important.' Two days went by and the construction workers couldn't stand it any more, they had to know who they had found.
They called the police and said 'we are the two
guys who found the skeleton in the closet and we want
to know if it was Jimmy Hoffa or somebody important.'
The police said its not Jimmy Hoffa, but it was somebody kind of important.' 'Well, who was it?'
The 1956 Polish National Hide-and-Seek Champion.
Son: 'Daddy, what does a vagina look like?'
Father: 'Well son, it's like a very pretty, delicate flower that must be plucked very gently.'
Son: 'Well what does it look like after you pluck it?'
Father: 'Like a bulldog with a mouthful of mayonnaise.'
A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his doctor and asks him what he can do. The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured by inserting a suppository up his anal passage. The man agrees, and so the doctor warns him of the pain, tells him to bend over and shoves the thing way up his behind. The doctor then hands him a second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours.
So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds that he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth. He calls his wife over and tells her what to do. The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home. Suddenly the man screams, 'DAMN!' 'What's the matter?' asked the wife, 'Did I hurt you?'
'No,' replies the man, 'but I just realized that when the doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulder.'
The woman replied, 'Oh officer, thank goodness you're here!! I almost had an accident! I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!'
Reaching through the side window to the rear view
mirror, the officer replied, 'Ma'am... that's your Pine
Tree(tm) Air Freshener!'
A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements of his wife. The husband wanted more than a written report; he wanted video of his wife's activities.
A week later, the detective returned with a video.
They sat down together to watch it. Although the
quality was less than professional, the man saw his
wife meeting another man! He saw the two of them
laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves
at an outdoor cafe. He saw them dancing in a dimly lit
nightclub. He saw the man and his wife participate in a
dozen activities with utter glee.
'I just can't believe this,' the distraught husband said.
The detective said, 'What's not to believe? It's right up there on the screen!' The husband replied, 'I can't believe that my wife could be so much fun!'
Several Nuns were in there second floor convent one night when a fire broke out.
An airline pilot finishes talking to the passengers just after his plane has taken off, and he forgets to turn off the intercom. He says to the co-pilot, 'I think I'll go take a shit and then try to fuck that new blonde stewardess.'
The stewardess hears it, and as she goes running up the
aisle to tell him the intercom is still on, she trips
on the rug and falls on her ass.
A little old lady looks down at her and says, 'There's
no rush, honey. He said he had to take a shit
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